When Survival Mode Meets Lent

I've been plagued by feelings of inefficiency this week. (Of course, by "this week" I mean "since Fire Baby was born" but you know,  let's not exaggerate here). More and more I'm becoming aware of the Things-I-Should-Be-Doing but for whatever reason am not, and it's got me down. Things like: meal planning, reading actual books, getting steps, drinking water, praying, smiling at my kids/spouse, planning ahead... I feel like I could go on, but even as I create this list my brain is seizing up.

And that's my problem, I have a thought, "Add this to my shopping list/calendar/to do list" and before I can write it down, I forget. Both to write it down and to actually do it. Oftentimes, the reason is a kid's need. But if I'm being honest, many times it's also just me being distracted. So I'm making my way through my days getting the stuff done that needs to be done (eat/wash/school/buy food/sleep (ha!)/repeat) but never making any headway on those "things that need to be done" (see above). The treading water metaphor comes to mind.

This is why I'm so grateful for the time my husband gives me on Sunday afternoon. I can do my  "Scholé Every Sunday" or just catch up on that nagging stuff. Unfortunately, more and more my Sunday afternoons are spent doing business, and less and less being spent on scholé.

I've already cleared some commitments off my plate - ones that clearly needed to be passed off for my health and family's happiness - but once you've done that, what else do you do? Just wait for the baby to start sleeping through the night? For the oldest child to turn 10 years old (the year when it supposedly "gets easier" according to this story) Ever since my 40th birthday this past February it's become a more and more urgent thought that I need to "get on with this" and not wait for some mythical day where everything's perfect, and the meaningful things in life happen consistently and with a cute mug of tea in hand.

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The closest thing I've had to #motherculture in...a millennia it seems! Props to @living_book_press for providing the reading material 📖😍

A post shared by Sara Rooney (@rooney.sara) on Apr 5, 2019 at 1:57pm PDT

(Though if the meaningful things do happen you can still have the cute mug o'tea)

I guess what I'm trying to say here is:
1. I feel old.
2. I feel tired.
3. I feel bogged down with the demands of life.
BUT I'm going to try very hard to not let these thoughts get me down.

It's also why I was so very grateful to find Ginny from Not So Formulaic and her Lenten study.  Her insight that "our Lenten obligation is in many ways met by the vocation of wife and mom," was the grace-filled word that I needed to hear. Lent this year arrived in the thick of all the feelings that I already had about not doing enough. I was (am) living in survival mode, and now, somehow, I have to do more? Pray *more*? Give *more*? Fast *more*? Well, yes... but No. I'm already fulfilling many of the obligations of Lent simply by being a mom of littles who are still quite dependent on me for everything. Instead, I needed a mind-shift: Lent is about "remembering ourselves back into the love of God" (a line from Laura at Mothering Spirit - who also spoke grace-filled words that I needed to hear). And remembering sounds like a spiritual practice that I can do.

So this Lent I've tried to remember the things that matter and move forward no matter how imperfectly I ended up doing it. Some weeks I woke up early and prayed a rosary (half-asleep with a recording - but a bad rosary is better than no rosary, right?) Some weeks I served my family by actually filling out the meal plan in advance. Some days I was able to fast from complaining (and some days not so much). Every Sunday of Lent I've done my "Every Sacred Sunday" journal and a little reading before doing the fiddly business of errands and such. Upon reflection, I see how God has used this time to lift my head from staring at my feet on the treadmill/waters that surround (choose whichever metaphor you prefer). It feels like coming up for air and finding myself inside the glorious lightness of grace.

God is good.

So good that as Lent comes to a close I'm finding myself thinking that the things I've "given up and taken up" I will continue to take up and give up. I'm not looking forward to Easter so that things can go back to normal. (Or as my son asked earlier this week, "When Easter comes can we give up Lent?") I'm looking forward to celebrating the Life Abundant that Jesus Is. You've read it here first: this year may go down in the books as the year I learned that Lent need not be dreaded. Which is good, because dreading something takes a lot of energy and now that I'm on the other side of the hill the words of Kimberly "Sweet Brown" Wilkins come to mind...

"Ain't nobody got time for that." 😎

How to Love Lent

But first, How NOT to Love Lent:

1. Decide that it's a season of moaning/groaning/general unhappiness

2. Decide to give up chocolate IF I HAVE TO.

3. Ignore any and all posts on the internet that try to convince you otherwise

I have done all of this, so I can attest that this easy 3 step method WILL WORK if your goal is to be unhappy for the next 46 days.

I, however, do not want to be unhappy for the next month and a half - I want to get closer to God. So let's try something else shall we? 

How to Love Lent: 

1. decide to write a blog post with that title and see if it can help 

(oh look I'm doing well so far!)

2. research ideas for ways to observe Lent with children

(My general attitude is quite toddler-tantrum-like anyway, so this might help me as well)

3. Enter a couple giveaways on Instagram, cause hey, who doesn't like winning stuff?

I have to admit, it's only Ash Wednesday - but these steps seem to be working so far, so maybe at Easter I'll let you know if it's a foolproof plan to Lent Lovingness.

In the meantime, this is what we'll be doing as a family and also what I'm going to try and do:

1. go to Mass a little bit more - always the number one way to observe the season, no? Starting of course with today:

We got our ash on... Well, most of us anyway.

A post shared by Sara Rooney (@rooney.sara) on Feb 14, 2018 at 9:37am PST

2. Complete a Jesus Tree - I was hesitant to do this again, not because we didn't enjoy it last year (we loved it!), but because I thought the wee girl would find it boring to repeat the activity. But after printing it all out and putting it on the wall, she seemed excited, and also like she didn't even remember it from last year. Ummm... so I guess that makes it like brand new?

3. Lent Dice - I admit it. This is mainly how I'm getting around the whole give up sweets for the whole 40 days business. Every day we roll the dice and see what we're doing and who/what we're doing it for. So really, every day I have only a 1 in 6 chance of having to give up chocolate! (I'm terrible, aren't I?) The kids are really excited about the "rolling" aspect of the dice... we'll see how we all do at "doing" the thing on it.

4. Above All - so I actually did win one of those giveaways on Instagram that I alluded to above! I find it highly amusing because I had already made a deal with myself that I wasn't going to buy any new devotionals. (I was/still am feeling really guilty after the dismal completion of the one I bought for Advent: I did 2 days of it and then it became a dust catcher.) But I half-jokingly prayed, "God, if you want me to do something special then you'll have to make it happen." And well, we know how that prayer (often) turns out. So, consider this my plea for accountability - help me do more than just 2 days in this thing! (And no, I will not allow 3 to be good enough.)

As I shared before, I want this Lent to be more about God and less about what I think I'm missing out on. I hope that by doing these things with my family, we'll accomplish just that.

What will you be doing for Lent this year?

4 Weeks Down... 2 to Go!

So, guess what? We are more-than-officially past the halfway point in Lent! Can I get a "Woohoo!" I don't think I have ever been so relieved to see the finish line on the horizon before. This has been just such a "Lent-y" Lent. Translation: I have never felt so physically run down, while simultaneously denying myself the usual comfort measures (caffeine, some kind of baked good, etc...) So, does this mean that my Lenten practices are being effective at helping "mortify the flesh?" Or is it not doing anything mortifying in the least, since all I can focus on is the "mortifying" part and not so much the "spiritual closeness" part? (The jury is still out on this one.)

In any case, I'm taking today to remind myself that even though I'm not quite meeting all the plans I had for myself (like those Friday-Stations of the Cross-picnics? Hasn't happened yet.) this doesn't mean that I'm a failure - and it CERTAINLY doesn't mean that God loves me any less. (And we of course, also know the flipside would be true too: if I *was* meeting all my plans for myself, God wouldn't love me anymore for it either).

It's kind of like an incident that happened at Mass today. After the presentation of the gifts, Father was trying to open the decanter and he just couldn't. He started like normal...
"Blessed are you..."
*yank*
*yanks harder*
*starts to chuckle*
"OK, I'm having a hard time here..."
*pullllllllls*

He was just about to give up, when the altar server got up and pulled the stopper out for him.
(Girl altar server, FTW!)

We were all laughing at that point. It was just too good. Of course, with the decanter freed, we continued on as normal - til the end of Mass, when Father had another surprise for us:

Guess who showed up at Mass today?! #aprilfools #adaylate #mysundaybest

A post shared by Sara Rooney (@rooney.sara) on Apr 2, 2017 at 11:25am PDT

Gotta love our church. Even Father said it (and I'm paraphrasing here), "You know, I could try and keep things serious here, but that just isn't Holy Spirit parish."  Which is true. I mean, we're Catholic - beautiful liturgy, statues, holy water and all. But we also have pink flamingos in the pond next to our meditation garden. *shrug* What ya gonna do? I guess, we just can't be bothered to take ourselves too seriously.

So that's where I'm at, at this point in Lent. Still fasting, praying and giving - but not beating myself up for all the other ways of fasting/praying/giving that I'm not getting done. Lord willing, I'll attempt them before the season is up but regardless, I will rest in the love that He has for me. I hope and pray that will be the "better choice."

A Lint-y Lent - My Sunday Best - 02

Has this happened to you? I was listening to a podcast earlier this week and I almost had to stop it midway because I was going crazy hearing the podcaster say "Lent". Not because she was overusing the word (I mean, it was an episode about Lent after all) but because she was saying it like "lint."

"Lint is coming!"

Well, turns out the joke is on me because MSB left me absolutely covered in the stuff - so really the podcaster was right after all. I should have listened (and been prepared with a roller/brush).

Poncho: from my mom, Jeans: from Target

In other Mass-related news, today's kid antics were sufficiently blush-inducing. I had almost hoped that having my parents in town would help make mass attendance better, but I quickly learned after Ash Wednesday's service that having Grammy and Poppy next to my children doesn't help them behave much better at all. Alas. So anyway, I went into Mass today with normal expectations. And things were going normally until the little dude started his requests for "boo time" (nursing time). He's not asked for this for a LOOOONG time, but he did it on Wednesday and it made Poppy laugh, so I think he was trying it again for the reaction. But when it didn't work, he went over to my husband, climbed up into his lap and then told the people behind us, "Mommy has boobies and I have boobies!"

Oh child. Glad you're learning anatomy.

Not to be outdone, the wee girl also wanted her chance in the spotlight and she timed it for Communion.

"Mommy, I want one of the breads that's round and has a cross in it that Fr. Ron gives."
"Oh, yes, you want that? It is very special. That's the bread that Fr Ron asks God to change into the Body of Christ. You need to prepare yourself for that, and we prepare ourselves by taking a class. So once you take the class you can have Communion with us. But until then, remember, Fr. Ron also gives you special blessed bread after Communion."
"But Mommy I want the round one with the cross on it."
"Honey, it's special and you have to prepare yourself. Come on. It's time to go up."

So of course, she goes up and receives a blessing from Father but then when I turned to go, I didn't notice that she stayed in front of him. Waiting for the bread. That, of course, he wasn't going to give her. So I grabbed her hand and pulled her away at which point she threw herself down on the floor and started crying.

Oh my sweet girl. Bless your heart (really. Not like in that patronizing way.)

Friends, what would you have said in that situation? Anything you would add? (Or not say? I need that too). I don't know that she fully understands what's going on, but she obviously is paying attention and since this is actually the second week that she has said this, I don't think it's an issue that's going to go away - not that I really want it to, but I do at least want to help her understand better.

In any case, all was made right when she got both a mini-bagel and a pizza from our favorite fast food place afterwards. (It doesn't take much when you're a 4-year old I guess.)

Sharing a strawberry milkshake with Dad probably helps too.

There's more good stuff happening over at Rosie's! And if you got any pointers for next week, lemme know!

Get Ready for Lent, cuz Surprise! It's here!

I'm approaching Lent with a strange mixture of (happy) anticipation and dread this year. I think it might be because last year's Lent, even though it was the first time I had really ever observed it, seemed to go so well. Now that we're doing this a second time around, I wonder if I'll be able to rise to the occasion.

Ha ha. Pride. You nasty bugger you. Well, at least now we know one thing I'll need to be confessing this year...

(This was going to be a post for JEI, but since it looks like that may not be happening anymore, will you consider saying a prayer for Alicia and her family? This post is offered for her.)

What has worked for you or your family to make Lent meaningful?

Last year, on each Friday of Lent I packed a picnic lunch and took the kids to our church to do our own little Stations of the Cross. We would look at the picture for each station, I would explain what was going on/say a prayer to go with the station and then move on. By the end the wee girl was able to identify almost all the people in the pictures, so I think that was meaningful? I certainly gained an appreciation/awe for all that Jesus endured out of love for us. I'm going to try and do it again, but since this year the little dude is well...2 instead of 1 and *far* more mobile, I'm wondering how it might go down. Ah well, it's church right? He couldn't get into that much trouble could he? #famouslastwords

This year we're also going to try Nancy's Jesus Tree. The little girl is *still* talking about how she misses her Jesse tree - though I'm quite sure that's just because she misses the lights - so we'll see how this one goes over. (And if you read my last post - we're doing the paper one people! Definitely not the felt one. Though if anyone wants to go ahead and make me a set of those I would totally be on board with accepting it. :) )

What’s your go-to meatless meal?

Honestly? Taco night with refried beans instead of meat (we love these (not an affiliate link. Just FYI)) and then fish nuggets with broccoli. But I do have a few other easy meals, like this Sweet Potatoes with Beans and Greens or the Red Lentil Coconut Curry with Spinach below (it's easy! Promise! The ingredients list just looks long because of all the spices.)  Should you be interested, you can also find a list of all my "Friday Abstaining" meals here.

Print Recipe

Wild Rice Bowl with Red Lentil-Coconut Curry and Spinach

Source: thekitchn.com

Serves: 4

Ingredients

• 1 cup wild rice (or brown, I use brown)
• 2 tablespoons ghee (or butter or coconut oil)
• 1 medium yellow onion diced
• 3 cloves garlic minced
• 1 teaspoon minced ginger (or a 1/4 tsp dried ginger, if using add with other spices)
• 1 cup red lentils
• 1 tablespoon red curry paste (like this one)
• 1 tablespoon tomato paste
• 1 tablespoon curry powder
• 1 teaspoon coriander
• 1 teaspoon turmeric
• ¹⁄₂ teaspoon cayenne powder (optional)
• 3 ¹⁄₂ cups vegetable broth
• 2 cups baby spinach leaves tightly packed
• 1 (15.5-ounce) can coconut milk
• ¹⁄₂ cup Greek yogurt
• ¹⁄₄ cup cilantro leaves (lightly packed) to garnish

Directions

1. Prepare the wild rice according to the package instructions. Most wild rice takes about 45 minutes to become tender; you can also make it a few days ahead so it's ready when you need it.
2. While the rice is cooking, heat the ghee in a large saucepan with tall sides over medium-high heat. Add the diced onion and cook until lightly golden and soft. Add in the minced garlic and ginger, and sauté for another 2 to 3 minutes. Add in the red lentils, red curry paste, tomato paste, and spices, and cook until fragrant. Pour in the broth and bring to a boil.
3. Once the lentils and broth reach a boil, reduce to a simmer, cover, and cook for 15 to 20 minutes, or until the lentils are soft. Before serving, fold in the fresh spinach leaves, and pour in the coconut milk. At this point, taste the curry and adjust the seasoning according to your liking; add more salt or cayenne, if needed.
4. To serve, divide the wild rice equally into 4 bowls. Top each bowl with the curry, a dollop of yogurt, and fresh cilantro leaves. Serve immediately.

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Do you count Sundays as being part of Lent?

I'll have to defer to Kendra of Catholic All Year for this one, as I had no idea this was even a question! I just figured that your fast continued on Sunday because, well, it's still Lent. But nope. Read all about it here. (Really! It's quite informative)

What will you be doing for Lent this year?

Triduum thoughts

Triduum = Holy Thursday, Good Friday, Holy Saturday - the last three days of the holiest week of the year.

Holy = sacred, set apart

This week...

... Well, this week has certainly been "set apart" but not at all in a sacred sense. Maybe it's the weather, the sick kids, or just that end of a long Lenten season that doesn't ever feel like it will end... But whatever it is, I have had the hardest time keeping to those Lenten promises that I made back in February. Life's "stuff" has kept me from my devotional, anger has been rearing its ugly head, and I've been tempted like never before to just open up Facebook and vent about it/scroll away. I'm not at all proud of myself.

I feel like I'm not alone in this though. Just chatting with the woman who does my hair today, we commiserated that this week has felt like the hardest in the whole of Lent. And after reading this from Whole Parenting Family, and this from Fountains of Home I'm encouraged that even some of the Catholic mommy bloggers I admire the most are having a rough-go of it. No one is getting off easy here.

It also occurs to me that maybe, just maybe, this could be a spiritual attack. I mean, wouldn't it just make sense that the devil would pull out all the stops to attack and distract and discourage Jesus's followers during this holy week? The devil doesn't have to distract those who don't care. And as Carolyn from Svellerella so eloquently put it, "especially during the holy days of the Easter Triduum, everyone the world over is saying the same prayers, contemplating the very same events in Jesus's life, all while offering our own prayer."

Something I cherish about the Catholic faith is knowing especially during the holy days of the Easter Triduum, everyone the world over is saying the same prayers, contemplating the very same events in Jesus's life, all while offering our own prayer --it's not that mindless babbling, that rote, uber-traditional boring nonsense that I've heard people think it is, but instead it is a universal brother and sisterhood: spoken in every language, and we all know, we all know exactly what is going on. The Mass, the greatest gift from Jesus's salvation; what He left for us here to do while we await His return, is truly the universal prayer.

A photo posted by Carolyn Svellinger (@carolyn_svellerella) on Mar 24, 2016 at 3:08pm PDT

Well, with God's help, I'm not going to let discouragement keep me from continuing to honor God with what I can offer - my life, my little sacrifices, my self. And I'm certainly not going to let discouragment separate me from God's love and the knowledge that I am secure in my relationship with Him.  Easter happened for such a time as this. I pray you won't either.

May God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit bless us all as we seek to honor Him with all that we do. And may God be especially honoured when we give grace to ourselves and others when what was planned does not come to pass - when we are merciful as the Father is merciful. Amen?

Slow Changes for a Seven Quick Takes

- 1 -

When I first met my husband, we corresponded back and forth by email. Back then all his emails had the postscript: "Change is inevitable, except from vending machines." And hasn't that just been the truth. These last few weeks I've definitely felt the tides shifting, all these little changes that are adding up into signs of bigger things. For instance, the little girl is using her potty more and more. I can almost see the finish line ahead - no more diapers! (for her at least)

Now if we can just get her to stop wearing undies on her head...

- 2 -

And the little dude has been sleeping better. Still up at night... maybe once... maybe twice - but I realized yesterday that it hasn't been a 3-or-4-times-a-night kind of night for a while now. That realization totally took me by surprise because the funny thing is, even though I've been waking up less, I'm feeling just as tired (and sometimes, more so) than when I was getting up more often. Someone with more education/experience will need to tell me why this is so - because it just doesn't make sense to me.

- 3 -

The little dude is also walking better! One of the ladies in the Lenten devotional group that's been meeting at my house commented, "He's walking just like me!" So, I guess it's less "drunken sailor" and more "elderly with a knee replacement"? That's progress, right?

- 4 -

The devotional group has been a wonderful place of encouragement for me too. I told the ladies recently, "I really hope you've found this to be worth your time!" because it's not like any other group I've been a part of, or done.  There is no strict "Bible study" that we are doing... I just knew I needed some women to process this devotional with - and I'm really encouraged by what we're doing together, so I hope they are too!

- 5 -

I also feel like I'm getting a grip on this "liturgical living" thing... which is to say I'm doing less "2 days in advance" planning, and more "1 week ahead" planning. (Except when it came to covering the crosses in our house in purple. That happened 2 days after Passion Sunday. Don't tell the Pope!) I guess until feast days and solemnities become actual traditions in our house, this is the best one can expect.

Credit to Catholic All Year for the prayer-print & the info about draping crosses in purple.

- 6 -

The St Patrick's day tea party (also à la Catholic All Year - gosh, where would I be without her?) was a lot of fun, me thinks! 5 girls and one little dude all running around... except when they were making crafts...

eating food...

What? You don't serve your kids raw potatoes with your Irish soda bread?

or watching the movie about St Patrick! I got some nice chat time in with my friends too. For dinner that night, we had colcannon and sausages (aka "bangers and mash" - though mash is usually just mashed potatoes), and the obligatory Guinness.  Lovely day!

- 7 -

That just leaves St Joseph's day, Palm Sunday, Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, Holy Saturday and, hold on, I think I'm forgetting one... oh yes, EASTER! Definitely looking forward to that one. Don't be surprised if you don't hear anything from me until then.

Head over for more Quick Takes at Kelly's This Ain't the Lyceum. You can tell her I sent you. (Though I doubt that will win you any favors. ;) )

Things I'd Share With You On FB (If I was on FB - vol. 2 - Lent edition)

I'd like to think that this is what the little guy was saying all along...

- 1 -

It's like Christmas over here! Opened the door to get the mail, and saw that I had received both the Offer It Up mug from Hatch Prints, and the gorgeous "Falling in Love" handlettering print from Holly Monroe. I had seen it first on Fr Jim Martin's instagram and immediately knew exactly where I wanted it to go in our home.

Happy St. Valentine's Day. "Fall in love. Stay in love. And it will decide everything." Pedro Arrupe, SJ

A photo posted by James Martin SJ (@jamesmartinsj) on Feb 14, 2016 at 7:34am PST

- 2 -

Been toying with the idea of sending the wee girl to preschool... why does this feel like Such. A. Big. Momentous. Thing? Like the rest of her future schooling depends on us making a good choice here? I feel so utterly in the dark about how to go about this; thankfully the preschools I've called thus far have been welcoming and kind - which, I also feel is a good thing. We'll see where this road goes...

- 3 -

One of my favorite blogger-authors wrote this post on egalitarian marriages earlier this week and it made me both excited and filled with dread. Excited because what she talks about is definitely needed, and filled with dread because I fear that mentioning it here, in the Catholic mom blogosphere, will get me kicked out of the club. (Is there such a thing?) Oddly enough, I wouldn't think twice about sharing it on FB, but that's because my FB circle of friends is different than the friends in this circle (haven't quite figured out how to make the 2 overlap). But like I said, this post is all about the things I would share there if I could. So... y'all should read this. (There. I said it. *as she cowers behind her new coffee mug*)

- 4 -

On the flip side, Kelly just wrote this post on "What to do when a friend follows a new path" that I just love and feel "safe" sharing about here - but probably would never post on FB, lest I come across as trying to prescribe to my friends there how they should treat me since leaving my old church for the Catholic church.  And I wouldn't even remotely want things to look that way! (I cringe just thinking about it)  But what I loved about Kelly's post was how she nailed some of my own thoughts and feelings that I've processed as I've watched friends go on new paths. Thoughts like:

"I felt like I was losing a member of my super secret club to a rival club."
"Now, rather than having someone to commiserate with, you feel unfairly left behind."

But even better she had sound advice for what to do:

"Take these feelings first to confession, and work extra hard on #5 for your own sanity"
"Remember now that when you talk about 'those people' who don’t do things exactly like you, you’re now talking about your friend. Perhaps people who choose another path aren’t so bad after all?"

True dat. Godspeed to us all, yes?

- 5 -

So, you know when you start to see something pop up over and over again in completely different settings you start to get the feeling God might be trying to tell you something? I had checked out "Wisdom Distilled from the Daily" by Joan Chittister because it was sort of based on a recommendation from another one of Kelly's posts. Actually, she had recommended reading The Rule of St Benedict - but that sounded too old and historical to me, so somehow I had found this and thought it would be easier to do.  But I forgot about reading it, in favor of reading something else (see below)... and then, yesterday when I opened up my email to see Emily P. Freeman's newsletter it was the very first book she shared that she was reading! Maybe Kelly and Emily run in the same circles - but not from my viewpoint. It was a little startling to see the book there in the newsletter... so maybe I should get on reading that, eh?

- 6 -

That other "more interesting" book I mentioned is by another favorite blogger-author, Nadia Bolz-Weber: Accidental Saints - Finding God in All the Wrong People. I love her. And her writing. One might describe her as a Lutheran-more-tatted-up-Anne Lamott-with a slightly "saltier" vocabulary. I  just loved reading her describe her first encounter with Catholics and the BVM:

"I knew Catholics existed, with their saints and candles and rosaries, and all their other exotic ways of being wrong. But now I had Catholic friends. And I couldn't stop staring at their Mary. She seemed luminescent and good and trustworthy and beautiful. And I was secretly jealous they got to have her."

I feel lucky we get to have her and Nadia.

- 7 -

One week of Lent down... how many more to go?  Ha ha. Just kidding. Though I just have to share that since deciding to do the Blessed Is She devotional for Lent with some other women from my church - I'm actually getting daily prayer and Bible time in. Daily! It feels good. Thanks to Blessed Is She for the workbook.

And thanks to Kelly for the link up! See you all around again soon...

On Trespassing

“This is how you are to pray:

Our Father who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name,
thy Kingdom come,
thy will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread;
and forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us;
and lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil."
(From Matthew 6)

The first time I attended church with my grandma E, I couldn't believe how similar to a Catholic mass it was. She attended a Lutheran church and since this was well before I had taken any classes in theology or history of the church - I just found the similarities a happy coincidence. But there was one glaring discrepancy (in my mind) on the word choice they used in the Lord's prayer:

"...and forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors."

Reciting the Lord's prayer was the one part in the service where I thought I wouldn't need to read the little book in the pew, so I had put it down, only to get tripped up at that point. In a classic case of teenage insecurity, I actually felt embarrassed that I "goofed up the words" - hence why I even remember it now.  But because I goofed, it got the perfectionist in me wondering, "What does the Bible actually say here?"  Because whether it's trespassing or debts really matters!!  Actually neither were things that I really understood at that age, at least, not beyond their literal meanings. I just wanted an answer to feel justified about my "mistake". My friend had a Living Bible, and it said

"...and forgive us our sins, just as we have forgiven those who have sinned against us."

Ah, sin. Now here was something my black-and-white thinking brain could understand. I know what sin is. Sin is breaking the 10 commandments. Sin is someone actively doing something bad to you.

The problem with this definition of sin is how un-nuanced it is. When I defined sin as "something someone actively does wrong" to me, then when my college roommate came back from class angry at something and she stomped around the house making life unbearable for all who lived there - well, then she wasn't "sinning against me." I mean, she wasn't mad at me, right?  She wasn't actively hurting me, so I just needed to work on not letting her anger become my anger... right?

Eh... sure. Except that I didn't do that, I instead let it become a grudge that I held against her. And then I felt guilty about holding a grudge. And then I started to avoid being in the house with her. And then... I moved out. And the whole time, I couldn't see that I needed to acknowledge that she had hurt me and that forgiveness was necessary.

How different would things have been if I had a more nuanced definition of sin, or even better, a more thorough understanding of trespassing?  Trespassing is...

...coming into my area without permission
...stepping on my toes
...getting all up in my space

Trespassing happens daily. And 90% of the time the actions don't fall into the "active doing of bad to me" category.  I just cleaned this kitchen! My people, can we just put dirty dishes in the dishwasher?!? (Oh what? You're 3? Like that's an excuse.) 

Now that I can identify all these little things as "trespassing", I'm learning that I can do two things:

1) I can acknowledge that a part of me has been trespassed against.  I don't have to play the game of whether it's right for me to feel this way or not. I feel trespassed against - it is what it is.  But, now, more importantly...
2) I can ask God for help in forgiving.  Forgiving is...

...letting the other person off the hook.
...not holding it against them
...choosing to say, "No one owes me anything." (Hmm, debts/debtors... sounds familiar...)

Even on these little things, that can be very hard - but I remind myself the alternative to not forgiving is not worth it. I've been down that road, I know where it goes. (Yes, I may have just quoted the Matrix there.)

More importantly, I know my God will take care of me. After all, "The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want..."

Ash Wednesday (aka "Weird Wednesday")

Today was the first day in I-can't-remember-how-long that I received ashes on my forehead. My mom reminded me to "Wear your ashes proudly." and so, I'm trying. Actually, I'm standing on the corner of 2nd and E Streets trying to decide if I should walk against the light or not. Can people see the smudge on my forehead? If they can, maybe I should stay here - I doubt jaywalking would look favorably on my Christian witness. But if they can't...

Only one person has asked about my ashes - the girl across the street who is my niece's age. Of course, it didn't start out as a question, but as an observation: "Sara, you have a black smudge on your forehead."

"Yes. They're ashes."

"Uh, why?"

"Because today is Ash Wednesday and Catholics get ashes on their forehead to mark the beginning of the 40 days before Easter."

I neglected to mention that this period was called Lent - but I don't know that that would have made any difference as she had already checked out and skipped off. (I guess that also makes it doubtful that I performed a Spiritual Work of Mercy of "Instucting the ignorant". Darn.)

So I'm thinking about this exchange as I continue to walk home (after waiting for the light to change first, of course) and what gets me is both my neighbor's acceptance and "meh"-ness towards my ashes. At first, she was curious, but then she got her answer, it ceased to be a curiosity, and she moved on. Did she not find it bizarre? I feel like if I hadn't grown up Catholic I would find it strange and want to know more.

Or maybe she did find it bizarre - but no less bizarre than any other number of things thrown at her in this day and age. I mean, kittens on the internet is a thing. Slow TV is a thing. Bizarre.

If anything, that should be an encouragement to "Wear your ashes proudly." Life today is so strange that you may not stick out as oddly as you think you will.  But maybe we worry too much about how we look?  The mass the littles and I attended this afternoon was packed. Packed! And of course, it was just one of the many masses that happened today in the 4 parishes in my hometown. Yet, while I was out and about a few hours later, I didn't seem to see anyone else with ashes on their foreheads. Bummer. I would have liked to show some solidarity with my Catholic brothers and sisters. We would have smiled and nodded to each other, "Nice ashes."  "Yours too - they actually looks like a cross! Rock on!"

Oh well, I will just choose to believe that either
1) there weren't any other Catholics to run into where I was downtown or
2) everyone took Jesus's words in Matthew 6:1 to mean that they should clean their ashes off before continuing on with their day.  I suppose that would be legitimate. But I feel like we Christians believe some pretty bizarre things, so it should only make sense that we follow it up with some bizarre actions. We say we believe there is a God, and that we are not God - that we came from dust and to dust we shall return - so why not walk around with that reminder for a day?

When the ashes were placed on my head, the minister spoke these words over me: "Repent and believe the Good News." I confess that sometimes I have a hard time remembering what the Good News is exactly. Today's reminder was that it is Good to do the bizarre: to take wee ones to Mass, to believe that my Savior was present to me in the bread and wine, to wear ashes on my head as a sign of my mortality. This stuff is what's Really Real. These choices have positive impacts that last longer than the moment they happen in... at least, that's also what we believe.

And that's bizarre too.